


In the Silence

by silver_fish



Series: Of Storm and Ash [13]
Category: A Saga of Light and Dark - T. J. Chamberlain, Original Work
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Nerissa has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Post-Canon, Retrospective, Trauma, brief mentions of past suicidal ideation, not rly the act of it but a lot of discussion about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:16:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26166253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver_fish/pseuds/silver_fish
Summary: In the silence, there's a voice, just loud enough to drown out her memories.
Relationships: Emmet Pomlei & Nerissa Smith
Series: Of Storm and Ash [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1634857
Comments: 5
Kudos: 3





	In the Silence

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/laphicets) / [tumblr](https://kohakhearts.tumblr.com)
> 
> idk i had writer’s block again (this is like my third fic in a row saying that in the notes jeez) so i was just i guess messing around...post-canon is a fun sandbox now that i actually know what happens in the canon itself. this is really just them walking...and talking...discussions of trauma and injury and mental illness, but nothing more than that. post-canon, so spoilers for the whole series ofc. please enjoy !

Nerissa’s favourite thing about Phiise was how quiet it was.

It wasn’t really a _silent_ place. During the day, it was bustling, people everywhere along the cobblestone streets. The farther from the Sea one got, though, the thinner the crowds became. During the war, it had been difficult to appreciate anything about this city—especially when they had visited it so soon after she had gotten her wings—but now the stillness of it all was like a breath of fresh air.

In all honesty, she had rather been avoiding returning to Phiise. The proximity to the Sea alone was enough to leave her trembling, though of course she knew by now—what was there to be afraid of? The Sea was ruthless, yes, dangerous, but...it would not hurt her or her brother, not now. Like Chronos’s Gate, like the Underworld, like the Heavens, it knew what they were. Chaos was all the Sea had ever bent to.

Even still, that did not mean she had to _like_ it. And as much as she wanted to let Poseidon enjoy what little he had left of his shattered youth, she _certainly_ didn’t want to go swimming in it with him.

That was all right, though. Ada was more than happy to take him, while Nerissa and Emmet stayed behind in the small house that had been rented out to them near the heart of the city. It was, she had to admit, a nice little place. Though they were somewhat cramped with all of them together, the lack of distance was honestly rather comforting.

Today, Ada and Poseidon had left early in the morning with bright smiles and the determination to see every part of the port they possibly could. One of the only cities virtually untouched by the war, Phiise had become a massive tourist hub over the past year. It was the perfect destination for their own little vacation, after all the exhausting political reforms in Cyfia and Uneo—reforms that everyone wanted _her_ opinions on, if only because of the wings she had been gifted a year and a half ago.

It was strange to think of the time in such terms; it still felt, sometimes, like only yesterday they had been celebrating Poseidon’s twelfth birthday together, all three of them.

She and Emmet had done very little today, however. Just this morning, he had been complaining about his knee, but she suspected it had really been a bid to get out of being pulled _here_ and _there_ by Ada and Poseidon. Nerissa, for her part, just didn’t want to venture so close to the shore. Maybe one day she would work to get over the fear, but for now…

Well, for now, she had a book to write, and a friend to keep occupied.

“I think you could embellish a bit,” he kept telling her. “Some of that shit _was_ as cool as it sounds, but this is just lame.”

“It’s not about being _cool_ ,” she said hotly. “It’s about being _honest_. One day, someone will read this book and they’ll _know_ what we had to do for their world.”

He shuddered. “I’m just imagining a little you. It’s horrible.”

She couldn’t quite help laughing at that. “Shut up. I was a great kid. Better than _you_ can say, I’m sure.”

“I was a _delight_.”

“Sure, sure, I bet your mom would say the same thing, right?”

He was silent after that, but not for too much longer. Eventually, as the strokes of the evening sun began to paint themselves across the room, he slid into the chair beside her and asked, “So how much of this city have you really seen?”

She pushed her papers aside, thinking. “Not a lot,” she had to admit. “I honestly hardly remember being here before. I guess I was a bit…”

“Yeah.” She never really had to say it for him to understand. “Well, Ada and Poseidon are exploring. Maybe we should too.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “You? You want to _explore_?”

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?”

“Where would we even go?”

He shrugged. “Wherever you want, I guess. You don’t exactly have to hide anymore, do you?”

It was true, she supposed. Maybe some people here would recognize her, but…

Nobody would hurt her for it.

Well, maybe some of them would. She couldn't _really_ say that. Especially in Aether, there were still those who were opposed to Adonis’s more radical propositions, chief amongst them the mingling of Light and Dark. Even if they _had_ proved it was for the best, some couldn’t quite bring themselves to believe it. She could only hope that one day they would, even if it wasn’t in her own lifetime.

“All right,” she conceded. “I guess it can’t hurt to go out for a bit. We should try to get back before they do, though.”

“We’ll leave a note.” He reached forward and snatched one of her papers off the table, grabbing up a pen and scribbling out a small message. With that, he straightened and shot her a grin. “Lead the way, genius.”

She rolled her eyes, but stood and led him to the door. With some concern, she noted that he was walking a little slower than usual and stopped just as she was slipping on her left shoe.

“Are you sure you’re up for this?”

He came to her side, scoffing. “Uh, _yes_. Do you think I’d’ve suggested it if I couldn’t do it? Shove off. What’s the worst that can happen? I fall down and look a bit stupid?”

“If you would just use that cane—”

“Oh, shut up.” His tone was light, teasing. “What about you, huh? You’ve just been sitting around looking miserable _all_ day.”

“I have not!”

He leaned against the wall to get his shoes on. “Uh, yeah you have. I think I’ve spent enough time with you to know what your mopey looks like.”

“I am _not_ mopey.”

“Well…”

“Ugh, fine! I won’t worry about you, then, since you’re so bothered by it.” She shoved her right foot into her shoe. “Come on, let’s just get going.”

The look on his face was infuriatingly smug, but, then, it was almost reassuring. Whatever else might be _wrong_ , at least there was something normal, familiar—the comforting presence of a friend made for life, even when he _was_ being a jerk.

It was a beautiful day, the middle of Pagnis. Over here, so far south, it was summer, but back in Derayn, she supposed it would be snowing now. It was a strange thought, that there would not be snow for her birthday, which was in just a few days.

“Never really get used to the weather here, huh?” Emmet was watching her, thoughtful. “We’ve been all over Aether, but it was never _this_ warm in the middle of winter.”

Nerissa’s lips twitched. “Well, that’s because it _isn’t_ winter here. They have all sorts of different superstitions about seasons and birthdays and stuff here. Even before Aether and Erebus, it was different all throughout the empire. But, I mean, the ones we know are Evipikasian ideas, so they’re pretty prominent here too. It’s just that the Evipikasians only lived in the northern hemisphere until they colonized the southern nations, so it’s not like they were imagining how things like that might vary when they weren’t even aware the seasons weren’t the same past the equator.”

“So people born at this time of year in Erebus aren’t all stuck-up know-it-alls?”

She rolled her eyes. “That’s not actually what the belief is. But, yeah. People born at this time of year here might as well have been born at the same time as Poseidon, if you’re going by those silly little stereotypes. But they put their faith in all sorts of weird things across a lot of different cultures. The Kinzecs used lunar calendars, while the Ipasians used solar ones. The Evipikasians were more interested in the stars than the sun and moon. But all of them agreed that things aligned differently at any given time, and so the alignment around one’s birth was what made each individual unique. They just didn’t all agree on what those alignments meant.”

“I get the feeling you don’t believe in all that stuff, huh?”

“Not really, no, but it _is_ interesting.”

He snorted. “Yeah, well, of course _you_ think so. I never really bought into that stuff either. I guess even if I had believed in Ares, I would know now that he’s not exactly watching over us anymore or anything. But it’s cool that there was probably a point when he did.”

“Did your mom ever believe?”

“Honestly?” He shrugged. “I have no idea. But I get the feeling she hoped it was true, at least. Things have changed so much since Ipasia, though. It’s hard to cling to your beliefs when someone else is trying to tell you what those beliefs even were in the first place. Never mind the fact that he didn’t even just... _rewrite_ history or whatever. It’s all pretty messed up when you think about it. A lot more cultures before Nakri must’ve worshipped angels—whether they called them that or not—and Aether just…”

“Yeah,” Nerissa said softly. “It’s horrible. He was a—pitiful man. Even in the end…”

“Sorry.” When she glanced over at him, he was frowning. “Not trying to make you think, you know, just…”

“I know.” She bumped her shoulder gently against his. “Let’s go this way. It looks like there’s a park or something.”

He was quick to agree, maybe if only to avoid continuing along that line of conversation. She knew that the others were still careful with what they said around her—more so than they were with one another—but, most days, she didn’t really mind anymore. It was not that they thought her weak; just traumatized, and they _all_ were, really. It wasn’t as if Emmet himself never had nightmares, or moments stuck in the past. Back in Cyfia, she thought he had been seeing someone about it, a therapist of some kind. He had suggested she should do the same, but she wasn’t sure, yet, if she could really bring herself to unpack everything like that. Talking to Ada was easier, when she had lived through so much of it with her, but even Ada said often that, now that the war was over, she couldn’t play the therapist for her anymore. That was fine with Nerissa; it mattered a lot more to her that Ada was just there at all.

Of all of them, Ada did know the most about these sorts of things. Even aside from all the research she had done—ironically, in this very city—she had been far more familiar with the intricacies of the human mind than Nerissa could ever dream of being. It was one thing to understand it as a science, but another entirely to actually _live_ with it.

They did indeed find themselves entering a park. It was relatively small, particularly compared to some of the ones Nerissa remembered seeing in Derayn around the university, but it was also very green—and very empty. This made sense, she supposed, considering the time of day, but it was convenient for them. After a quick scan of the area, she located a bench and took Emmet by the hand to lead him to it.

He pulled back from her, though. “What are you doing?”

“Sitting down. Obviously.”

“I don’t need to sit!”

She stared at him, impassive.

Finally, he deflated slightly. “I’m fine. If I wasn’t, would I have suggested going out at all?”

“Do you really want me to answer that?”

“No. That doesn’t mean it’s not _true_ , though. Seriously, just trust me. I—”

But his sudden sharp intake of breath was all the warning she had before his knee was buckling under him, leaving him on the ground. She winced as he made contact, letting out a sharp hiss of pain, then cautiously offered out a hand for him.

“Careful,” she murmured as he grasped it tightly and started to pull himself up, but stopped, groaning, as he got his foot flat on the ground. “Don’t put so much weight on it.”

“I’m trying,” he snapped. “Stupid thing, it was _fine_ , I swear—”

When it became apparent he wasn’t going to be able to do it on his own, he reached out her other hand and kneeled down to help him rise. He averted his gaze, but not before she caught the expression on his face. It was one she knew well; she had seen it in the mirror many times before.

“There’s nothing wrong with needing some help now and then.” Gently, she let go of his hands and wrapped a hand around his waist, steadying him as he straightened.

“Like you’re one to talk.” There was no bite to his words, though.

“I’ve learned,” she reminded him. “It’s not worth getting to that point just to protect your pride. It’ll hurt a lot more if you just ignore it.”

“I don’t ignore it.”

“Don’t you?”

He scowled. “Yeah, well, better than _you_. Someone mentions the war, you just zone out, like you can’t even _try_ to deal with it. I think _that_ just makes you seem weak.”

She was quiet as she guided him to the park bench. He pulled away from her, flopping down on it to glare up at her.

Finally, she said, “I think not using the cane makes you seem weak.”

“How is that the same at all?” he demanded. “Y’know, _I_ think—”

“But the things you think,” she cut in, “aren’t always going to be true.” She sat down beside him, twisting slightly in order to catch his gaze. “I thought...all that time, I thought that by not talking about it, refusing to let myself cry, that I was helping Poseidon. If I took the time to grieve, then he wouldn’t have been able to. I still do kind of think that,” she added. “But I know better now than to think that my grief wouldn’t catch up to me anyway. It’s not something you can just put off, and...it doesn’t go away. It gets easier, but…”

His shoulders slumped. He let out a heavy sigh. “I know what you mean. Sorry for being a jerk.”

She laughed. “Well, I’m not asking you to apologize for your whole personality, you know.”

He gave her a light shove, grinning. “Says _you_. God of Chaos, whatever. _I_ think you’re more like the god of bitchiness.”

“Oh, come on, that’s not even a good comeback.”

“You’ll have to give me a pass. I’m handicapped, you know.”

“Uh, yeah. In your _leg_. Says nothing about your stupid brain.”

He huffed. “I’ll tell Ada you said that, you know. That’s not very nice.”

But he was already looking so much happier than he had, eyes brighter even than they had been when they had left the house.

“You know,” she started, then stopped. Tried again: “You know, if you ever want to talk about it, you _can_ talk to me. I know...I know I’m not the best, when I still get so… But, well, anyway—I just mean, you don’t have to ignore it for _my_ sake. I know I need to acknowledge it too, so…”

He sobered. “Yeah, you do. But, Nerissa...you can’t force yourself, either. It’s not your fault that you can’t handle it all the time. For what it’s worth, I think you’ve gotten a lot better.”

She snorted. “I would _hope_ so. I was such a mess.”

“You weren’t, though.” He turned his head, glancing out across the park. On the other side of the small, scattered trees, the sun had almost dropped off the horizon completely. After a beat, he continued: “I know you think that just ‘cause you were so sick you weren’t strong, but that’s not true. You were just sick. You still _are_. But in all that time, I just came to respect you more, you know? That first time you walked through the Gate...I think it was then that I really understood just how resilient you are. I’ve never really heard anything there myself, but I mean...I can only imagine what _you_ hear in there, and even then...I don’t _want_ to imagine it. And I mean...not just anyone could hold up the literal weight of the world, you know. You’re a strong person, Nerissa.”

“That killed me,” she pointed out. “Like _killed_ me killed me.”

“Yeah, but you came back. Whatever happened along the way, you’re alive _now_. I guess you don’t see it as a strength, ‘cause you consider that the point you died, but, like, for the rest of us, that’s the point you made the decision to keep living. And you’ve made that decision every day since. I don’t know...I don’t know if I ever really thanked you for being there after my knee…” He stopped, sighed. “I just—I know I can be a little hypocritical about this, so...thanks, I mean. Thanks for waiting it out anyway.”

Her lips pulled up a bit. “Well, you taught me everything first. I know, even now...it’s not easy to deal with. But you’ve come pretty far too. Even though you push yourself too hard sometimes—”

“I don’t do that!”

“—you’re still doing better than before.” She shook her head. “You _do_. It’s not a bad thing. But I think you knew this was going to happen today, didn’t you? So why did you make me come out here with you?”

He was silent for a moment, eyes forward, then, suddenly, he tilted his head up, towards the stars beginning to dot the sky.

“I thought you needed it,” he admitted. “You get worried about him going places without you enough, never mind out to the Sea.” He dropped his gaze, turning to meet hers. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way you looked at me on that beach, or even in the infirmary after. And the longer things went on… I never understood, before, but I think I understand now. Nobody can define grief for you. It’s sorta like…”

“It just becomes a part of you,” she finished. “Yeah. Sometimes I think I’ll never not be scared of water.”

“Well, that’s not a bad thing. Everyone has stuff that freaks them out. I mean, have you seen the way Ada gets when she sees a spider?”

Nerissa snorted softly. “What about you, then? I seem to remember you telling me, a long time ago, that you weren’t scared of anything.”

“Ah, well, I might’ve exaggerated.”

“I figured.”

“But,” he went on, “I think I really thought I meant it back then. I know better now. I’m scared of losing you, or Ada or Poseidon or my mom. I mean, it’s not like I wouldn’t be able to deal with it, but I kinda think that we shouldn’t _have_ to deal with it, period. Otherwise, my worst fear was already realized.” He shot her a grim smile. “I guess it’s shitty to say, but it Avery dying… That was easier than this was, for me. The difference between losing someone important to you and something that’s a _part_ of you… That’s what I mean. I didn’t get how you could be so torn-up about your mom and everything else that you almost let your grief kill you. I thought—you know, people move on. It’s not a big deal, even if it _does_ suck that they’re not around anymore, but...I get it. And your wings too, right? How important was your morality to you, really? After the sort of life you lived… I dunno, Nerissa. I spent weeks wishing that bastard had just killed me instead of this, because that would’ve been _easier_. But I’m glad he didn’t kill me. I _like_ this world. There’s still something in it for me even if it’s not on the battlefield or even on the road, like my mom always was.”

Nerissa stared down at her feet, wiggling her toes. Under the cover of her shoes, she couldn’t even see them moving.

“I’m glad I didn’t die too,” she said. “And not just because I want to see Poseidon grow up or anything like that. My life is my own, and...so is yours. Whatever you decide, we’ll support you, you know that, right? But you still need to take care of yourself. Your health is worth that time and effort.”

“Is that a quote from Ada?” he teased, but his grin slipped away quickly when she didn’t even so much as roll her eyes. “Yeah, okay. I getcha. You do need to follow your own advice, though, for the record. Hypocrite.”

She grimaced. “I’m...trying. I guess you’re right that today wasn’t a great day, but...I didn’t go after him. Even though I thought of it, I didn’t. I trust Ada.”

“There you have it, then.” He straightened out his leg experimentally, then put his foot flat against the ground and pressed some of his weight on it. Apparently satisfied, he stood and offered a hand down to her.

“It’s late,” she remarked as she took it and let him pull her to her feet.

They started walking again, slower than before, but Nerissa got the feeling their change in pace wasn’t really about Emmet’s knee again.

As they exited the park, he said, “I really admire you.”

She blinked, nearly tripping over her own feet. Barely just recovering from her near-fall, she turned to him in bafflement. “Who are you and what did you do with my best friend?”

He rolled his eyes. “Shut up. I’m being serious. Compared to the shit you went through, my problems are pretty small, but you never say anything about it.”

“Your problems aren’t small.”

“Well, sure, but compared to _yours_ …”

She shook her head. “It’s not about comparing anything. You’ll drive yourself crazy doing that. It’s like, you know...I loved Avery a lot. I can acknowledge that her death probably hurt Ada more than it hurt me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t _feel_ that grief.” Unconsciously, her hand came up to her wrist. The charm on her bracelet was cool against the pads of her thumb and index finger. “It took me a while to get that, I guess. Yeah, Poseidon lost his mom, but…I lost my mom too. Focussing on his grief instead of my own only hurt me. And that’s what _you’re_ doing, right now. Comparing your trauma to my trauma, and it’s pointless. I don’t want you to work to make me feel better at your own detriment.”

He let out a massive sigh. By now, they had come to the house, but they both stopped walking just in front of the walkway, facing each other.

“Sometimes,” he said, “I kinda wish you had never stopped being such an arrogant know-it-all. It was easier to ignore you even when you were right about stuff back then.”

“Oh, I’m still an arrogant know-it-all.” She shot him a cheeky smile. “You’ve just come to realize that I’m always right about everything, so you can’t even get mad about it anymore.”

“ _Everything_ ,” he mocked. “Yeah, whatever. I take it back, then. You’re still as arrogant as ever. But,” he added, voice softening, “you’ve also grown up a lot. Thanks for walking with me, Nerissa. Well, sitting, I guess. Either way, I appreciate it.”

She smiled. “Yeah, of course. I’m not going anywhere. None of us are.”

“Yeah, I know. So,” he added, inclining his head towards the door, “are you ready to hear about the beach or what?”

“For the next three days, at _least_ ,” she muttered, but it didn’t make her smile drop at all.

Finally, she turned to lead them into the house, to hear about Ada and Poseidon’s day by the Sea.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are always appreciated! xx
> 
> if you're interested in learning more about or reading my novel series, i post all info on twitter [@laphicets](https://twitter.com/laphicets) and tumblr [@kohakhearts](https://kohakhearts.tumblr.com)! feel free to find me for general writing updates too; i also sometimes take fic requests on both platforms!


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